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doppler

the doppler effect is explained in reference to how a sound's pitch shifts in relation to it's approach or retreat from an object. a siren. a scream. coming towards you versus running past. i suppose it would be harder to explain the doppler effect. of silence. of the expected quiet and nonresponse of family. of the blindness to who you are. and what you are. of a complete loss of words.  how do you start a conversation. when the conversation never needed to be said out loud for anyone else. but you? there is disapointment in silence. is it more or less when it is unspoken?  does it hurt more when what you want to say and express hasn't been said yet? as it approaches.  will it hurt less. now that it is said. gone past this moment. and now fades into the distance? what is the doppler effect of emotions and anxiety of showing yourself. to those whose opinions you claim to not care about.  but whose silence still shatters your eardrums.
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not exactly alone

have you ever spent a lifetime. wandering. waiting.  searching .  for something? anything? a person? a sock? a phrase. a meaning. a favorite sweater.  a feeling .  any feeling. tactile. or insinuated. the feeling of silk against skin. the feeling of condensation on a pint. of safety. of home. of belonging. be longing. longing . i have spent a long time. searching. waiting. wandering.  trying to grasp at straws to poke above the water i was so clearly drowning in. to suck just the tiniest bit of air into my gasping lungs. never enough to fill them to bouy me up. never enough to push out words or boundaries. just enough to keep me alive. just barely. i have wandered. followed. and trailed behind. left behind. tossed aside. or did i sidestep? stepped off the path i had thought i meant to follow. thought i was meant to follow.  following.  walking behind.  never next to.  was it a choice? when did i chose. when did i chose to be alone? did i chose to be alone. or was my otherness. my as
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