not exactly alone

have you ever spent a lifetime. wandering. waiting.  searching .  for something? anything? a person? a sock? a phrase. a meaning. a favorite sweater.  a feeling .  any feeling. tactile. or insinuated. the feeling of silk against skin. the feeling of condensation on a pint. of safety. of home. of belonging. be longing. longing . i have spent a long time. searching. waiting. wandering.  trying to grasp at straws to poke above the water i was so clearly drowning in. to suck just the tiniest bit of air into my gasping lungs. never enough to fill them to bouy me up. never enough to push out words or boundaries. just enough to keep me alive. just barely. i have wandered. followed. and trailed behind. left behind. tossed aside. or did i sidestep? stepped off the path i had thought i meant to follow. thought i was meant to follow.  following.  walking behind.  never next to.  was it a choice? when did i chose. when did i chose to be alone? did i c...